as we forget the way it ends

i attended prince's rally 4 peace concert in baltimore this past sunday. i'm attempting to quantify this experience, but first i have to qualify it:

- it was a benefit, at least partially, and a rally for a hurting city

- it was an event thrown together within days

that said, and taken into consideration, i rate this concert a very good on a scale of poor to excellent.

but that's almost not fair, because it doesn't encapsulate magic.

i've been a fan for a long time. i want to say lifelong, but i can't. i do believe i became aware of and attracted to prince and his music when i was 12 and mtv showed me a sexy little man on a smoky stage who spoke straight to my soul and imprinted upon me. it's a heady age and he came into my life at the right time - adolescence is hard, and mine was harder than average.

(insert purple rain frenzy here)

prince saved me in ways he'll never know. i'm not here to argue how healthy it was; it just was, and is. he's the longest relationship i've ever had.

the concert this past sunday was very good, but i was too far away. he came to my side of the stage a few times. he connected, as i'm sure one is aware one must when performing. there was no real eye contact, though. not like i've experienced before.

my first concert was the lovesexy tour. that was BIG scale, with a car that drove onstage; a basketball hoop for fun, a swing, a bed for business. it was a huge show, and the internet tells me tickets were in the $20 range back then. it tickled most senses on most levels. after the show, with new friends, i found out where prince was (a private club: the black banana), talked my underage self in (literally said "we're with prince"), and found out he was tucked away in a corner. i saw him try to slink out (difficult as the club was nearly empty) and tiptoed down the steps behind him a few paces back. he helped cat into the tour van, and looked at me, feet away, frozen. we made eye contact and he waited for a second, waited... for what? whatever the opportunity, i was so stunned and starstruck that words would not form. i couldn't speak. he stepped in the van. and that's my memory of prince and me on a deserted sidewalk in philadelphia at 2AM, when supernatural things happen. the imprint was deep and permanent.

understand the lovesexy experience may be the scale on which i grade every prince experience and because it is mine, it is fair.

(i made many fan connections then, visited another country to meet them, became involved in his official fan magazine, traded records and bootlegs and unreleased tracks and videos. it's been a lifestyle.)

i saw him next at a love 4 one another show. great seats, good show, lot of material i didn't know by heart. my interest in the fine details waned after lovesexy; what can i say? i'm a revolution fan. but i was close, and it was enough fuel for me. as i was growing and changing, obsession eased its grip on me.

the next show was musicology. i took my sister and we had amazing floor seats. the band entered the stage from our row, and i was able to high five them on the way. they were wheeling a magical equipment trunk which i tapped gently because i knew prince was inside, and that was how he was transported to the stage. i was that.close. we were sitting in front of the sound board, and i knew girls were selected to go onstage during "u got the look". so i talked to someone (who i think was the tour manager) and asked how girls were selected. "no jeans" i was told, sadly, so i forced my smaller sister to trade pants with me in the mens' room, but we were too late - they had already been chosen. it was still a fantastic show, i was close, and my heart was full.

it seems it takes a lot to get me out of the house these days (i have a lot of creature comforts) but prince will always do it. especially on mothers' day, when the intention is to be treated. so i got tickets; pricey tickets, compared to the other shows i've seen. but these are part of the experiences that shape me, and i've been imprinted upon, so i go.

back to the very good, the technicalities:

-the show felt like a small venue show. in a small venue, i think, it would've been perfect. there were no props, no sets, just a projection behind him that could have been running on power point.

-i was in the 200s. as close to the stage as i could be in the 200s, but still, 200s.

-the air was very close, damp and hot. i couldn't wait to fill my lungs with fresh air.

-the sound was not great. i couldn't make out the words to "baltimore", the song specifically recorded for the event and the events leading up to the event - the deaths of freddy gray and mike brown.

-the house lights never went up when he said "turn the house lights up".

BUT

there was a beautiful piano segment, and when i heard the beginning of "the beautiful ones", i died a little bit, and it all came rushing back, and i was reborn, and he was facing me and singing to me. we sang "how come u don't call me anymore" together, i fingersnapped on the 2 and 4, and i realized we've been in this thing a long damn time and i really do love it.

and my heart was full.