how to waste your lunch hour

published on metazen

the latest in a how-to series





go online to the discount designer clothing site

select women-->shoes-->flats-->ballerina-->size 8-->leather-->black-->brown-->red

sort by price-->lowest

browse through all of them. decide they are too expensive. resolve to check back when there's a sale.

think about the dress you would've worn somewhere by the water, maybe on the beach. decide a ballet flat is not practical on sand anyway.

unselect your choices

select shoes-->sandals-->casual-->tan-->beige-->black-->size 8

click on the shoes that are perfect for the beach and go with the anniversary dress

look at all the color combinations

remember it gets cold at night, and also that the moon is magical and forgiving and maybe the color isn't critical

look at shawls and shrugs

think about the best place by the water. remember bready mozzarella sticks and how you insisted they get eaten that time at that place with the cheap white dingy outdoor furniture, and the fat fish, and the big moose out front.

look at dresses

remember the one you have only fits without a bra now if it fits at all. remember sushi and lychee martinis and how the lychee looked like an embryo and it got eaten, too.

think about purses. forget about purses.

search "best beaches"

wonder if you can reach montauk by train

look at new jersey transit. discover you can take the train as far as penn station and from there you will have to have to figure out the LIRR. search LIRR. look at the map. notice you will have to take a green line train to montauk, possibly from jamaica. give up and resolve to ask a local if you ever go. think about train rides and how they make you feel like you are in a movie (if you take amtrak) or a little bit nervous (nj transit). miss train rides and searching penn station. remember how dirty you think new york is. think about how beautiful montauk must be, especially in the fall or winter. look at the LIRR map again. look at a schedule. give up.

search sweaters. think about how autumn is your favorite season and it makes you so fucking sad.

wonder how old you're going to look in 4 years. wonder if botox is a bad idea. search botox. think about how your stomach hurts and wonder if you are dying. go to the cafeteria. microwave your dumb, stupid (but kind of delicious) leftover spaghetti from the pizza place. heat the garlic bread in the toaster. hope the sweet but direct older cleaning lady doesn't get mad you put garlic bread in the toaster. go back to your fluorescent office, eat and make your stomach hurt with every bite.

start jotting down some of this ridiculous distraction and wonder who would care. who would even read it.

look through the pictures on your computer. remember thinking that slightly torn shirt was such a touching bit of vulnerability with ruffled hair. immediately get sad and realize your lunch break is almost over and your bloated officemate will return soon. wrestle the sadness and be thankful for glasses.

minimize the pictures because you can't bear to make them completely disappear yet. check your email. check facebook, twitter, message boards and feel junkie sick.

search for an author who wrote a fantastic story you read recently. track her down on twitter, find her website, start reading one of her other stories. get mad because it's so good it's like she knows you just the way roberta flack felt when she heard that guy sing that song that killed her to death. sink into her style. it's not stealing if you don't take the words. get another paragraph in and see the bloated man approach in your peripheral and wish the asshole had stayed gone longer.

realize you're the asshole.